1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,000 EERIE INTRO MUSIC 2 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,440 TRIP HOP BEAT 3 00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:26,360 CAR HORNS BEEP 4 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,720 You ever shit in a bucket? 5 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:30,840 Sorry, what did you say? You heard me, sweetheart. 6 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,960 I see you and your Metroid t-shirt, with your geek-girl glasses 7 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,560 and cute little Pac-Man keychain. 8 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:39,920 I see you, girl. So let me ask you again, 9 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:44,600 have you ever shit in a bucket? 10 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:46,120 Because I have. 11 00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:47,720 Twice. Once playing EverQuest 12 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:51,720 and then again playing Shogun: Total War. I had bad guts! 13 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,040 Right. Sorry to hear that. 14 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,400 What was the last game you completed? Full completion. 15 00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:01,840 And if it was an 8-bit and you played it on an emulator, then save states don't count. 16 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,320 I-I'm not sure... "Erm, erm, I'm not sure!" 17 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:07,760 And yet, here you are at a bus stop looking all cute. 18 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:11,160 "Oh, everyone, look at me, I'm a gamer!" 19 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:14,160 Do you know what this is? This is cultural appropriation. 20 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:18,280 Because I did my business into a bucket and I slung it out of a window and into the privets. 21 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:23,280 I would do it again, in a heartbeat, if the game demanded, because that's hard-core. 22 00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:25,040 Slave to the game. 23 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:30,400 Anyway, see you round, treacle tits. 24 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:32,440 TRIP HOP BEAT 25 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,560 CREATURES ROAR 26 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,760 SHE GASPS Yeah! 27 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,840 Right, mission complete. Cut sequence. 28 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:58,520 I must insist on absolute silence. 29 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:03,560 "My fellow rebels, I, Tanadaal, bring urgent news from the Citadel. 30 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,920 "Your hive mother is gestating." 31 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,840 Shit the bath! She's fucking pregnant! 32 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:13,760 "Soon she will spawn the mightiest army the kingdom has ever seen 33 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:18,320 "and her genocidal plan to cleanse the outer rim will be completed." 34 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:20,320 Nicky! Are you hearing this, Nicky? 35 00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:23,320 DIALOGUE SKIPS Yeah. Taking it all in. 36 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,600 Just drinking it in. 37 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:29,680 Ooh, items! Apparently, if I collect all 50 crystal acorns, 38 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:32,720 I unlock a crystal acorn trophy. 39 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:35,680 Sounds pathetic. I must have it! 40 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:39,600 "The Jade Knot is in debt to you, young warrior. Yaah!" 41 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,440 HORSES NEIGH 42 00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:46,560 "Guys, there's gonna be an announcement about the Kingdom Scrolls movie." 43 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:50,440 They're casting Vince Vaughn as Tanadaal. 44 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,560 WHAT? NO! 45 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:58,560 Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?! 46 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,960 I'm so sorry for your loss. No! 47 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,320 He's too bulky! He doesn't have the substance! 48 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,960 He's too substantial and also too insubstantial! 49 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,560 It's all kicked off. Reddit's basically imploded. 50 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,160 Oh, my God! There was so much hate speech on there, 51 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,760 one of the moderators has been signed off with PTSD. 52 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,880 Is this a joke? Seriously, is it fucking Jester's Day again? 53 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:19,960 Perfect! No sword play! 54 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,000 No sword play on the resume of Mr Vince Vaughn! 55 00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:26,240 But I guess that's OK because he's only playing a barbarian! 56 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:29,840 Don't even get me started on the hairline. Tanadaal has a fringe! 57 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:34,120 A fucking fringe! Vince Vaughn is essentially 95 percent forehead! 58 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:37,600 Have you seen his hairline from the Emmys? His forehead is essentially infinite! 59 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,960 This is an international outrage! 60 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,960 I want to punch someone in the face! I would punch my cat if I had a cat! 61 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,600 I could kill, like, a person. 62 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:48,320 If I had a sniper rifle right now, I'd go and find a vantage point, 63 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,520 squeeze off a clip, take out a couple of grannies. 64 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,160 Drink myself into a stupor and get in a fight with an army man. 65 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,880 Pound my thighs with a camping mallet! 66 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,840 Bang my head against a sheet of titanium until I forget my own name! 67 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:00,160 Lock myself into the boot of my car and just scream! 68 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,080 Swallow a ping pong ball so I asphyxiate! 69 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:05,280 Bind my hands behind my back and then fall out of the loft! 70 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:09,600 Shave all my hair off and then eat it from a bowl and just weep! 71 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,080 Yeah. I mean, it's not that bad. 72 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,680 KNOCK AT DOOR Great, and now the shopping's here. 73 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:18,720 This day is so fucked! MEG WEEPS 74 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:23,360 Great, thanks. Receipt's in the bag, is it? OK, bye. 75 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,600 "Nicky, hurry up." 76 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,080 "Nicky, hurry up. Come on." 77 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:31,560 Yes, thank you, Megan! I just need to put the shopping away. 78 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,040 "Hurry the fuck up, Nicky!" 79 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:36,440 Right, powdered goods there. There. 80 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,520 Sauces there. There. 81 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:42,440 Bread. Perfect. 82 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,920 "Guys, it's me! Russell! 83 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:49,240 "I made a new friend. This is My Mum Died Yesterday. He's Swiss." 84 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,000 "Wait. Your mum died yesterday?" 85 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:54,520 "Whose mum died yesterday?" My mom didn't die yesterday. My mom died in '08. 86 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,640 "No, that's his name - My Mum Died Yesterday. It's a joke!" 87 00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:00,360 He's mad! He's Swiss! HOOVER HUMS 88 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,040 Dance. 89 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:05,880 Come on, everyone, do the dance. 90 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:12,240 Russell, mate, no-one dances in Kingdom Scrolls any more. It's the ultimate dick move. 91 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:17,040 It's kind of like going to London and wearing a t-shirt that says "I Love London". 92 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,680 But it's fun to dance. "Precisely! 93 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:24,000 If you want fun, go and play fucking Mario Cart against some pink-haired girl from Japan. 94 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,040 Otherwise, grab a cudgel and shut the fuck up! 95 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:28,760 Right, Meg? Yeah, right, Nicky. 96 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:32,520 Sorry, can I just ask you something? If you don't enjoy it, why do you still play it? 97 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:35,680 Well, that's the enduring mystery. 98 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:40,480 It's a commitment I made in error two years ago, which I seem somehow unable to break free from. 99 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:41,760 I'm a genie in a bottle, 100 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,920 and no-one's got a bottle opener. CLATTERING 101 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,040 And now he's stiffed me with a shitty pear. "Who has?" 102 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:52,040 The algorithm, Meg. The giant synthetic brain that dictates the flow of my life, 103 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,680 because he knows me and he knows I'm going to eat it anyway. 104 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,480 So here's to the algorithm! Long may he reign! 105 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:02,680 Mm! Really revolting! 106 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:07,880 I found a publicity shot of him in a western from 2000. 107 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,840 He looks wrong on a horse. 108 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,280 He just does. 109 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,480 I'm really sorry, Meg. 110 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,760 What's happened? 111 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,760 Is everything all right? 112 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,880 Not really. 113 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:27,960 They cast Vince Vaughn in the role of Tanadaal in the Kingdom Scrolls movie. 114 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,800 What's wrong with Vince Vaughn? He's funny. 115 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:35,040 That movie where he gets the job at Google... 116 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:39,440 Because that's what you want for a character who saw his parents burnt at the stake, 117 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,000 you want them to be funny. Nicky, can you... 118 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:45,080 We're coming to terms with it. It's still pretty raw. 119 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,760 Well, I'm sorry. 120 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:52,040 I know how much these things matter to you and - Excuse me. "These things"? 121 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:53,640 I didn't mean it like that. 122 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:57,280 This is the casting of the lead, Alison. This affects everyone. 123 00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,680 And you needn't think you're safe, 124 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:03,080 because they came for the remake of Ghost in the Shell and I said nothing. 125 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,960 Then they came for the Fantastic 4, 126 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,760 again, and I said nothing. 127 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,280 And then they came for Kingdom Scrolls. 128 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,880 No. Sure. 129 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,600 I'm annoyed, too, actually. 130 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,040 Cor, that is so annoying! 131 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,520 OK, Alison, you have no idea! 132 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,640 Well, I mean, I know what it's like to have things not go your way. 133 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:30,640 Because remember last year when I went through that really difficult time? 134 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,760 Oh, yeah. God, that was hard! 135 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,160 So I socialised and I exercised 136 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:41,240 and I, er, saw that therapist. You know? Uh-huh. Yeah. 137 00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:44,360 And I talked about everything and I came through. 138 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,480 My point is, when things get tough, 139 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,760 fight back! 140 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,480 Anyway... KNOCK AT DOOR 141 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,800 Hi! 142 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,200 Don't wait up! 143 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,880 What the fuck is she on about? 144 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:04,520 What really tough time? Not like when she got ill and lost her job? 145 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:07,440 I've got absolutely no idea! Anyway, how is that even the same? 146 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,240 Well, what's done is done. 147 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,720 Give it another 20 years and they'll probably do a reboot. 148 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,520 Yep. Best thing we can do now, 149 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,880 hunker down for two decades and wait for the reboot. 150 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:19,920 You know what, Nicky? 151 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:23,120 We don't have much, you and me, 152 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:27,600 we lead very thin lives, but we have this, 153 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:31,200 and you'd best believe we paid our dues, motherfucker. Hallelujah. 154 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:35,960 The days and the weeks and the months spent in the trenches, after all of those whoo girls, 155 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,760 the girls at the bar who go "Whoo!" with the thick-rimmed glasses, 156 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:42,560 pretending they play FIFA so they can hoover up all of the hot dick 157 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,400 whilst I'm shitting in a bucket, 158 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,720 and this is the thanks I get? 159 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,600 I get Vince fuck-eyed Vaughn as the lead? 160 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:52,360 Well, I say no more! Now, are you with me 161 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:56,600 or are you gonna bend over and take another mouldy pear up the shitter? 162 00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:00,320 Comrade, I would follow you into battle any day, 163 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,440 but I think you knew that. 164 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:08,120 Totally forgot you shat in that bucket. So badass! 165 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:14,960 THEY CHANT: Fuck Vince Vaughn! Fuck Vince Vaughn! Fuck Vince Vaughn! 166 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,840 Who do we wanna fuck? Vince Vaughn. 167 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,920 Protest. What's the plan? 168 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:23,000 So, if we get 20,000 signatures, they have to discuss it in the House of Commons. 169 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:26,440 Apparently Corbyn's a big gamer. Bullshit! I say we dox him. 170 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:29,640 Hit him where he lives. Find the address of his production company, 171 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:31,480 send them a sleeping bag with a turd in it. 172 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,560 Hang on. Sorry, Meg. That's meaningless. And unfeasible! 173 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,040 It's entirely feasible. 174 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:40,360 So, what, you're gonna buy a sleeping bag from Argos, do a turd in it, 175 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,320 and then what, get DHL to courier it to LA? 176 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,560 It'll take three weeks, probably cost £200. 177 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:50,160 They'll open it, it won't be Vince, it'll be the nice girl on reception, it's only her second week, 178 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:54,520 she probably won't find the turd, which'll be all shrivelled up anyway from all the air travel, 179 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:59,200 £200 to send a desiccated turd to an intern! It is just nonsense! 180 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:01,760 Guys, guys, come on! Where's the unity? 181 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:03,640 Sorry, Meg. 182 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:06,080 We need to work together. We have a shared message. 183 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:10,560 Yeah. We repeal Vince Vaughn and replace him with Michael Fassbender. 184 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,400 Fassbender?! What? 185 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,120 Do you have any idea how short Fassbender's legs are? 186 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:16,720 I don't know, Nicky, tell me. 187 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,720 24-inch inside leg, and that is on very good authority, 188 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:22,680 and you want him to play the Tall Man of Blackspire? Fine. Then, who? 189 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:26,200 Cumberbatch. Oh, you total pussy! 190 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,600 "What?" Are you a fucking woman, Nicky? 191 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:33,600 Are you an actual lady with a VW Beetle and a subscription to Grazia magazine? 192 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:37,240 Daddy, Mommy wants you to hold the ladder for her! 193 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:41,640 I'll be right there, honey! Oh, would you lookie here? I seem to have my fingers crossed. 194 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:45,280 "Good news. He's on his way! 195 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:48,680 "My Mum Died Yesterday is coming to my house. He's mad. He's Swiss." 196 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,400 "My Mum Died Yesterday is coming to your house?" 197 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,160 "Yeah. We're gonna hang out." 198 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:54,680 Mad! Swiss! 199 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,440 No. You don't do that, Russell! 200 00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:01,840 You don't invite a man called My Mum Died Yesterday to your house. 201 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,240 Why not? Ugh! Honestly! 202 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:10,240 And I'm sorry but I need to ask, how are you this stupid? 203 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:14,400 Seriously. Were you raised in the wild by a troupe of feral morons? 204 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,520 No, I was raised at home by my mum and Frank. 205 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,600 You don't invite people to your home, Russell. 206 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:21,640 He's probably gonna kill you. Did you even check his profile? 207 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:24,160 "How do I do that again?" Control-P. 208 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:29,560 Nah, I'm sure it's fine because... 209 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,920 ..14's basically an adult, right? 210 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,960 He's 14?! "I mean, you can join the army at 14, so... 211 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:39,080 "Siri, can you join the army at 14?" 212 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:43,200 Oh, my God, Russell! You just invited a child to come and live with you! 213 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:45,440 Hang on. He's not coming to live with me. 214 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,720 "Did you even ask his parents? They'll probably think you wanna fuck him." 215 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:51,840 "Why would they think that?" "Because that's what people like you do." 216 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:54,520 "That's not what people like me do, actually!" 217 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,920 "You groomed him, Russell. This is grooming." 218 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,400 "I didn't groom him!" 219 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,440 I groomed his horse! 220 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,480 You groomed his horse? In the stables! We both did! 221 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:08,000 And how is this going to sound when it's read aloud in court? "You groomed a child's horse." 222 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,760 "Daddy, I can't hold the ladder by myself!" 223 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:15,160 Russell, as a father, I happen to know a thing or two about the welfare of young children. 224 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,840 My point is, you cannot let this boy in your home. 225 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:21,440 You see this, Meg? Such a noob! 226 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:26,160 It's all cool. I'll just call him and tell him not to come. 227 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,760 LOUD CLATTERING 228 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,680 Honey? 229 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,960 "Honey?" 230 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:40,200 Honey? Daddy, Mommy isn't moving! 231 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,520 Oh, boy! 232 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,400 METAL CLANGS 233 00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,280 OK, what's this now? 234 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,320 I am hitting the statue with my sword. 235 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,520 And I'm going to keep on hitting the statue 236 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:06,560 until such time as they reconsider the casting of Vince Vaughn. 237 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:10,280 You're clonking. That's what you're doing. You're a clonkist. 238 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,240 Pretty effeminate clonking sound, dude. 239 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,080 It's the sound of progress, Usman. 240 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,520 Well, while you've been clonking, I've cut a deal with The Flaming Shitheads. 241 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:20,360 The Flaming Shitheads? You know the clan, The Flaming Shitheads. 242 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,320 Yes, I know the clan, The Flaming Shitheads. They're shitheads. 243 00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:27,760 Exactly! They found Vaughn's contact info from the Sony dump. We've been hounding him. 244 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,080 Oh, Jesus, not the turd in a sleeping bag? 245 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,880 Worse! Phone calls, emails. 246 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:35,720 We're thinking of sending a cardboard coffin to his house filled with horrible drawings. 247 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:39,120 It's my idea. I mean, it's unpleasant, but it's effective. 248 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,600 She has a point. If it's clonking or hounding, I have to go with hounding. 249 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:46,520 The Flaming Shitheads are racist. They're a bunch of alt-right freakos. 250 00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,880 They purged the entire wetlands because they thought the geese were Jewish. 251 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:51,320 BIRD CLUCKS 252 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,560 Nicky, I don't know how much you know about Nelson Mandela, 253 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:58,720 but I've seen the film and I happen to know he did some pretty questionable things. 254 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:03,080 He threw a hand grenade at... a school bus. I can remember. 255 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,360 My point is, it's time to fight back! 256 00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,520 "Yeah, that's it, angel. Give Mommy the blue one." 257 00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,960 No, the blue one from the bottle on the side. 258 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,680 "She has two of those with a glass of water. You're doing great baby-cakes." 259 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,160 How is your wife, Usman? 260 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,400 Oh, she's a trooper. And the girls have really rallied. 261 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,920 Daddy! I can't get the bottle open! 262 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,560 You need to push it down and then twist. 263 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,760 "Push and then twist. 264 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,120 "No, twist." 265 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:31,440 PILLS RATTLE OK, honey-bunny, now you got it! 266 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,800 Those girls never fail to amaze me. 267 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:36,400 Is that him? OK, that's not him. 268 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,640 Otto's not answering his phone so I'm watching out for him with binoculars. 269 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:42,720 Right. So you're trying not to behave like a paedophile 270 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:45,280 by watching young boys through binoculars? 271 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,120 God, this is an absolute minefield! 272 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:51,240 I should delete my character and go back to playing hockey. 273 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,280 Sorry, you play hockey? 274 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:56,160 Oh, yeah. I used to play for England schoolboys. 275 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,440 But then I got really into cocaine. Then I found Christianity. 276 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:04,000 Then I found cocaine again. And then there was an overlap period where I was into cocaine and Jesus. 277 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:08,440 And then I stopped doing that and then I spent about a year trolling David Attenborough. 278 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,800 Russell, I just found a small boy on the driveway. 279 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,480 Shit. OK. HE PANTS 280 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:20,000 Mum, I'm sorry, it was a mistake. I made friends with him on the game. I didn't know he was a child. 281 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:23,760 You need to sort this out. Look, Mother, I am sorting this out! 282 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,800 We need to turn off all the lights and hide until he goes back to Basel. 283 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:29,040 Bit late for that now, son. 284 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:32,000 What the...? 285 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,920 Oh, my God. What the fuck? You let him in! 286 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:38,920 I couldn't leave him! He's a child, Russell! A Switzerland boy. 287 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,280 I couldn't just turn him away! 288 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:44,240 Oh, my God, you fucking idiot, Mum! No, you're the fucking idiot, son. 289 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,400 I've got to get back to work. What?! 290 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:50,280 What am I gonna say, "Sorry I'm late, I had to take a boy back to Switzerland?" 291 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,280 Mum, don't you dare... 292 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,960 No! Do not... 293 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,160 No, Mum! 294 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,560 Mother! 295 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,640 Mother?! 296 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:04,040 MOTHER?! 297 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,840 Oh, Jesus Christ! 298 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:08,120 Russell's got a boy in his room! 299 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:13,520 Dude, I don't want to teach you how to suck eggs, but whatever you do, do not fuck him. 300 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,720 In fact, you should film yourself not fucking him, just in case. 301 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,680 Uh-oh. 302 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,640 Where is he? He's gone. 303 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:25,640 SHOWER CURTAIN CLOSES 304 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,520 WATER RUNS Oh, no. 305 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,520 Oh, Christ, no! 306 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:32,320 He's in the shower! 307 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,320 "My Mum Died Yesterday is in my shower!" 308 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,720 There's a nude boy in your house. 309 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:39,800 "He's already nude? What is it with you Europeans?" 310 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,680 OK, that's it, you're going to jail. 311 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:45,960 He hasn't got a towel. What if he comes out and it's all steamy 312 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,320 and he's looking for a towel and he's nude and he bumps into me? 313 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,800 You need to get him out of there. I can't. He's locked the door! 314 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:55,760 "Lure him out with chocolate." What? "I mean it, man!" 315 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,320 Get some choc and a piece of string and just lure him on out of there. 316 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,600 Wait! Forget the choc! Bust the door down! 317 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:03,880 "Don't bust the door down!" 318 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:06,360 You can't bang on a nude boy! 319 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,080 Just get out! Run! 320 00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,320 HE WHIMPERS 321 00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,240 OK, I'm in the garden! 322 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:15,920 "Call the cops." "Yeah, but what if they seize his laptop, though?" 323 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,160 "The chat logs..." "All that talk of having sex with young boys." 324 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:20,720 I didn't say that! You said that! 325 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:23,840 "God, this is really tense." Will someone tell me what to do?! 326 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,240 "Wait, I got it! 327 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,800 "No, sorry, it's gone. OK, you're fucked!" 328 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:33,520 You're on your own, mate. All on your own with a wet naked child. 329 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:36,360 I'm kicking him out. 330 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,560 I'm booting him out of the house. I am. 331 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,120 TENSE MUSIC 332 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,320 HE KNOCKS SOFTLY 333 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:52,680 Otto, mate? You need to put your clothes on and leave, please, mate. 334 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,760 "At least half-close your eyes in case you accidentally see him nude." 335 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,000 SHOWER CURTAIN OPENS 336 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,600 I have your bag. 337 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,600 You need to take it and get out. 338 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:12,160 Oh, no. 339 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:15,360 His mum died yesterday. 340 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:19,160 Well, not yesterday but recently. His mum died! 341 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:22,760 Yeah. I mean, I guess all the clues were there. 342 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,680 "Jesus, he's an orphan." 343 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,800 You're his mummy now, Russell. 344 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,800 CLANGING 345 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,360 "Oh, hey, Nicky." 346 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,640 "What the hell is that?" 347 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,520 "Oh, it's a likeness of Vince Vaughn. I made it with Character Creation tools. 348 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:43,800 "I mean, it looks like Ant McPartlin but I think it does the job. 349 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:48,800 "We're going to string it up by the cathedral and fire harpoons at it. 350 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,520 "Are you coming?" "You crossed a line. 351 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,680 "That's basically a hate crime. You're a war criminal!" 352 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,080 "Suit yourself. Come on, boys! 353 00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,080 "Ha! Right in the tit! 354 00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,960 "20 gold crowns if you can get him in the goolies. 355 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,640 "Yes!" 356 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,840 Have you seen the Twitter? 357 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,680 Vince Vaughn's withdrawing from the role. 358 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,560 What? 359 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:25,960 No way? 360 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,960 Nicky! Oh, my God, it's true! 361 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:32,440 The nightmare is over! 362 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:34,200 There's a quote from his PR team. 363 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,400 They said he withdrew from the role due to, quote, 364 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:40,040 "Some of the vicious personal comments online." 365 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,600 THEY GASP That was me! Some of that was me! 366 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:47,400 Did they mention the clonking at all? This might sound a bit grand, 367 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,840 but I've changed the course of human history! I just have! 368 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,480 Good for you, Meg! 369 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,560 THEY LAUGH 370 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,440 He drove his car into a tree. What was that? 371 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,160 Apparently, some guy saw him in a bar looking all sad 372 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:06,920 and then he got into his car and, yeah, ploughed into a tree. 373 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,800 I think he's OK. He split his head open 374 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:12,720 and lost consciousness for a few minutes. 375 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,720 Mm. 376 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:19,360 Right. His daughter's been crying on Instagram. 377 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:23,080 I think they're sending him to a facility, so he's going to be all right, 378 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:25,960 but still... 379 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,880 Oh, God! Mm. 380 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,760 What type of tree? 381 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,800 Oak. 32 miles per hour. 382 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,560 Pinned to the wheel. 383 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,960 Neighbours reported squealing, apparently. Squealing? Squealing. 384 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:44,160 Vince Vaughn was squealing? He was squealing, yes. 385 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,320 The star of The Wedding Crashers, 386 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:50,520 squealing in his Prius. 387 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:52,480 But I guess that's good for you 388 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:54,880 because now he won't be in your movie. 389 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,560 So, yeah. 390 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,600 Yay! 391 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,960 Mm... 392 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,280 SWEEPING MUSIC 393 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,280 "Reports of sustained squealing." 394 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:22,800 "So it wasn't just a single squeal, it was sustained." "Yep. All right, Nicky." 395 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:25,000 That was you, Meg. Some of that was you. 396 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:26,320 Us, Nicky. 397 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:30,280 Some of that was us. Sending him a coffin filled with horrible pictures? 398 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:35,120 It was probably the clonking that tipped him over the edge, like a raven pecking on his skull. 399 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,760 Bullshit. What's clonking ever achieved? All right! 400 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:41,160 Maybe it's the cost of progress. 401 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:45,160 Because there's always a Hiroshima. There's always a Dresden. 402 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,360 And that's cool. 403 00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,760 Guys, good news. I asked my mum 404 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:58,080 and she said Otto could stay with us till he gets himself sorted out. 405 00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:01,360 Wow! That's actually really sweet of you. 406 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:06,560 Can anyone think of something fun to do to cheer him up? You know, because his mum died, didn't she? 407 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,440 Actually, there is one thing. 408 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:12,160 SWEEPING MUSIC 409 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,920 You were right, Russell, this actually is fun! 410 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,440 Oh! The robot! Oh! MEG LAUGHS 411 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,680 I'd just like to remind you that all you're doing is pressing is F4. 412 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:22,560 Yeah, but I'm doing the robot. 413 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:26,000 Nicky, stop being such a killjoy. Get over here. No, thanks, Meg. 414 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,880 I'd rather eat my own thumbs. 415 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:34,480 "You'll never guess who they're thinking of casting now." 416 00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,680 Paul Rudd. 417 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,040 WHAT? NO! 418 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:44,320 Bullshit! No! Bullshit! No! What?! 419 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,760 I might actually be sick! My hands have gone all tingly! 420 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,920 I just wanna fall asleep and never wake up! 421 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,040 This is a living, breathing nightmare!